LOTR from ze point of view of a hunk o warm cheese
by A Hunk of Warm Cheese
Summary: UPDATED! I am a hunk of warm cheese. It may not be long before I am eaten or likewise meet my fate. I present to you my story, LOTR from the point of view of a humble hunk of warm cheese.
1. Default Chapter

**The Lord of the Rings from the point of view of a warm hunk of cheese…**

**By a Warm Hunk of Cheese**

**Author's Note**: Hello, hello, hello, fan-fiction community! I am a humble hunk of warm cheese and this happens to be the very first time that I post a story on this uber cool site. I would appreciate your reading the stories from my point of view before it is too late and someone eats me. I try not to think about it, because it is a sad thought. I wish all of you humans and non-humans a very pleasant day and always remember – Listen to the Cheese!

**Disclaimer**: Being nothing more than a hunk of warm cheese, I own very little besides my warm cheese body, and Lord of the Rings is sadly not one of those things. Please do not sue me, because I have no money and it is quite hard for cheese to take out a loan.

**And now for the story…**

One day I was sitting on a counter in the home of Frodo Baggins. He had meant to eat me that morning, but I had quickly avoided this unfavorable situation by throwing a bone I found in the opposite direction. He had gone to fetch it, and ate it for some reason, and thus forgot about me.

I was about to sigh a sigh of relief (because a hunk of warm cheese can certainly sigh a sigh of relief, even if it seems impossible to a human mind) but suddenly Frodo came back. He smelled like fresh air. I don't get to smell like fresh air much, because no one ever takes a hunk of warm cheese out for a ride in a cart. Ever.

It's really sad.

Ok, I'm over my sadness and ready to continue the story. Something had happened. Uncle Bilbo had disappeared in the middle of his one hundred and eleventh birthday party! This made me a little sad. Uncle Bilbo used to talk to me and make me feel not quite as lonely as I usually do. Being a warm hunk of cheese can get lonely. Uncle Bilbo understood and would sit there and converse with me, and even told me I could call him "uncle" even though I probably had no real relation to him, maybe because I am cheese and he is a hobbit.

So I was kind of mad when Frodo said that. I thought at first he was joking, trying to get back at me for the bone. I don't see how his eating the bone was my fault in any way. But it was for this reason that I thought he was joking.

But he wasn't. He started jumping up and down and it made the counter I was on wiggle and it wasn't fun at all, because I started smearing on the counter and it was sort of gross. So finally he stopped when he realized that there was an envelope on the mantel of the fireplace.

Why is an envelope exciting? Don't ask me. I have heard many humans say that licking the envelope is delicious and a great way to spend a day if you have no friends and want a very strong tongue. But unfortunately I have no tongue. So I wouldn't know.

I figured, well at least if Frodo is licking an envelope he won't be eating me, and I started to get a little happy for the first time in a while. But he didn't lick it. And he didn't eat me either, so I guess it was ok. What Frodo did do was open it and take out a ring.

I couldn't see the Ring at first, because Frodo was blocking my sight, and since I am a warm hunk of cheese, my sight is limited in the first place. So finally Frodo turned his massive body a wee bit and I could See.

Yes, I can see, please don't ask me why.

I saw a Ring that Uncle Bilbo sometimes let me hold. He used to put it on top of me and I'd enjoy the weight on me, it was like I was lifting weights, and for a while I'd be really happy, thinking that I'd get buff, but then I'd remember that a warm hunk of cheese doesn't have muscles. But that Uncle Bilbo is a pretty cool guy and would let me hold it regardless of this fact.

I was mad that he left it to Frodo. Frodo would probably eat it. He ate everything else.

Suddenly I realized that we weren't alone. That one wizard named Gandalf had been there the whole time. When he moved, and I realized abruptly that he was there, it surprised me and made me jump.

If you happen to be a kindred spirit, a fellow warm hunk of cheese, you will know that it is very hard for a warm hunk of cheese to jump. Like I said before, I have no muscles, and jumping requires all the kinetic energy in my warm orange body.

So after the unpleasant jumping, I calmed down to hear what Gandalf was saying. Not that I wanted to. I mean, Gandalf isn't very nice. Once he tried to throw me away, saying that Uncle Bilbo was a slob for leaving hunks of cheese out on the counter, where they could get hard. Luckily I haven't gotten hard, and in fact I have gotten warmer and even a little softer, so that serves Gandalf right!

Anyway, Gandalf was saying to Frodo to hide away the Ring. I was wishing very hard that Frodo would fold up the Ring in my warm cheese body for safekeeping. I tried to send some messages to Frodo's brain with my brain but then I remembered I don't have a brain so it didn't work.

Since I don't have a brain and therefore cannot send mental messages, Frodo didn't know that I would be a super hiding place and put the Ring in a trunk instead. I was sad. A trunk is so unoriginal.

Gandalf left in a hurry and I was glad that he did. I wanted to be left alone in my misery. So I sat there. I didn't have anywhere to go.

Time passed and life went on as usual. I would sit on the counter. Once Frodo accidentally put a hand on me and squished me a little. I wasn't really hurt, only my dignity was. But most people would argue that warm hunks of cheese have no dignity. To those people, I ask them to expand their minds.

So life went on like this. Until one day………….


	2. the cheesy story continues

**The Lord of the Rings from the point of view of a warm hunk of cheese…**

**By a Warm Hunk of Cheese**

**Author's Note**: I would like to thank all the kind humans that took time to review my story. I see that people are coming to appreciate what a hunk of warm cheese has to say, when very little people even care to listen. I am obliged to continue my tale to give all of you an even better understanding of what really happened in Lord of the Rings.

**Maethril Aranel: **Everyone _knows_ the cheese stands alone. No wheezies. I rather fancy the color CHEESE ORANGE.

**Irish Anor: **Thanks, although I am not a squirt, seeing as I am not spray cheese.  
**Kelsey Estel: **Witty makes me feel like an appreciated hunk of cheese. Many thanks.

**EgyptMau: **I have a friend! Yay :)  
**Jousting Elf with a Sabre: **I wouldn't really want to be melted. Although sometimes I do melt a little. I am warm.

**Andra Mercuria: **Thank ye kindly. You are a good human, good human!

**Beadeddreams: **I do apologize for saying I won't be around much longer. I do realize that being optimistic helps my complexion… makes me look more fresh.

**Autumn Shadow**: I liked it when you bowed… but then the fork and knife.. ahh!

**L-X-R: **I hope I do not run into your sister's dog, that would be quite unfortunate.

**Sapphire Orb: **Salt will make me shrivel up :(  
**Maidenhair: **I will read and review your stories very soon, and I have made quite a few squirrel friends in my travels, so I should enjoy them!

**Disclaimer**: I am still little more than a hunk of warm cheese. I own nothing, except for a little tiny spot of mold that grew on me the other day, but it fell off. I certainly do not own Lord of the Rings. If you sue me all I can give you is the little fallen off piece of mold. I don't think that you want it.

**The story continues…**

I was sitting comfortably on the mantel of Frodo's fireplace once day. Frodo had moved me because he was low on money and naturally had to eat his table. He is in the process of making a new one. I liked sitting on the mantel because it makes me feel tall and significant, like I am more than a mere hunk of warm cheese.

Frodo suddenly came in with a smile on his face. He called good-bye to his friend Sam. I really like Sam. Once Frodo threatened to feed me to a rabbit that came in but Sam didn't let him, saying that I would make the rabbit sick. I was quite grateful.

Suddenly, out of nowhere came that Gandalf again! I was quite surprised, and I must admit that I even screamed. As you all know, screaming is very difficult for a hunk of warm cheese such as myself. Gandalf cast an odd look in my direction but I quickly ducked behind a picture frame.

Frodo seemed very surprised to see Gandalf too. Especially since Gandalf jumped out, saying "Is it secret? Is it safe?" in a very rude way, without saying hello or even telling Frodo what "it" was! Frodo looked at him wide-eyed for a moment (and I mean _very _wide-eyed) before he shook himself and ran to a trunk.

I remembered how I had wanted Frodo to hide the ring in my warm cheese body instead of that dusty trunk, and I felt a little sad. What made me even sadder was when Frodo threw open the lid and dust flew everywhere, including on me.

As humans, you probably know how unpleasant dust can be. Now put yourself in my situation, even though it might be hard. Imagine you have a warm and slightly squishy orange body. Imagine now a layer of dust that you cannot wipe off laying down on you. I tried to shake it off, but that didn't do anything. I only rolled off the mantel.

I was quite miserable by that point. Then Gandalf almost stepped on me, because Frodo had given him the envelope that the Ring was in and Gandalf was going towards the fireplace. When I swerved to avoid Gandalf stepping on me, I unfortunately went straight to where the fireplace was.

I could feel myself melting. I began squeaking loudly in despair. Frodo shot a blue-eyed glance in my direction and silently swept me into his pocket, where I sat and purred a bit.

Suddenly, Gandalf threw the Ring into the fire. What a destructive person! I know that many human, hobbit, and elven mothers tell their children not to play with fire, but obviously no one told Gandalf that.

Frodo cried out in surprise. I wish I had lungs.

If I had lungs maybe I would be a singer!

But anyway…

Gandalf poked around in the fire and took out the Ring, and tried to give it to Frodo. I threw myself against his leg in warning. The Ring would be hot, and if Frodo touched it, he might melt. Frodo looked suspiciously at Gandalf, and to my distress, took the Ring.

Luckily he didn't melt. If you think it is absurd that a human melt, take a look at the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. She melted! There must be a little bit of cheese in us all... :)

Gandalf launched into a huge story about how there were many people after Frodo. Frodo leapt into action and threw a few things into a bag, including myself. I was against a vest of his that is velvet and very nice to sleep next to or just rub on. Although it makes him a little mad.

From my comfortable position I heard talk of "Ringwraiths" and of a dark lord that was after the Ring. I didn't understand it all but Frodo seemed very worried. He was standing near a table looking at it when out of nowhere, Gandalf yelled at him to get down.

I really disliked Gandalf at this particular point in time. It wasn't so much his spastic shouting, but that when Frodo did duck down he smashed the bag and I was crushed against a hunk of hard bread that was next to me. I was miserable and tried to glare at Frodo for crushing me, but it didn't work because I don't have eyes, and even if I did, I would have to glare through a burlap bag, which usually doesn't work.

Gandalf poked his staff out the window and what he found surprised me very much! I saw Sam, who Gandalf slammed against a table like a wrestler. Gandalf is very strong. He yelled at poor Sam for a long time.

I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I realized that Frodo was walking out of Bag End with Sam, with a bag full of food and clothes. He was leaving! I smelled the fresh air through a hole in the bag and felt very excited. An adventure!


	3. cheesy trials

**Author's** **Note**: Months of hard journey has made it difficult for me to update until now. I would like to say hi from the bottom of my warm and cheesy heart. Unfortunately I am a bit more melted now than I was before, because of the heat in a certain Mount Doom, but that segment of the story comes quite a bit later. So I am a quite warm hunk of cheese now. A certain hobbit called Diamond called me a hot hunk the other day. Yes! pumps fist… remembers hunks of cheese have no fists… cries

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Lord of the Rings. Or anything, really… Suing me would be really mean and when people are really mean to me I usually spend a very long time weeping, which is very sad, because warm hunks of cheese cry only when their souls hurt and YES cheese has a soul… remember that next time you eat cheese…

Well, the excitement of my adventure quickly wore off. I had a very unpleasant surprise when I discovered that rubbing up against Frodo's velvet vest, something that used to be very nice, left parts of me on the material. I shivered a little and in shivering accidentally poked myself on the hard piece of bread, which broke off a lonely corner of me. This was a good thing and a bad thing. The corner that was broken off was the one that was most crusty. However, it is never pleasant to lose a piece of yourself.

Imagine losing a toe. Imagine having it stabbed off by hard bread.

I also made a very disturbing discovery that not many people know, because it is a very hushed up thing. Frodo always carries around tiny baby kangaroos in his bags. They don't even have fur. I was just making friends with one when he scooped it out and ate it. I caught a glance of its scared baby eyes just before it was popped into Frodo's all consuming mouth.

Oh, how I wept.

Sam was a bit of a refuge for me. He was very nice to me and in fact would pet me a lot. He always told me, "Frodo has his Precious, you can be mine." He never ate me and did not understand that warm hunks of cheese do not eat and would always try to slip me a bit of food.

Sam is a very nice fellow. Nice, but not smart. For instance, after a very long while in a field (Sam had made me a tiny window in Frodo's sack so I could peer out now and then) we got to a certain point where Sam declared he had never been further from home. How ludicrous. I knew for a fact he had been to Mount Doom to make a deal with an orc for a rare baseball card. Silly, silly Sam. Like you wouldn't remember selling one-eighty-fifth of your soul for a baseball card. But that's Sam, little brain, but good hobbit.

It was soon after this point when Frodo was suddenly knocked over by a quickly moving figure. I shrieked in surprise and so did one of the baby kangaroos, but that did not stop Frodo from landing on me. Never listen to Frodo when he tells you what he weighs. He is heavy. No denying it.

I was smashed but fortunately one of Frodo's pairs of underwear cushioned my landing. I call this fortunate but am not sure if it actually is, since he is notorious for using this article of clothing as Kleenex. It smelled clean, though, so I was grateful for its support. I was a bit worried when it started cuddling with me, but stranger things have happened than a hunk of warm cheese that has lost its crusty corner snuggling with a clean pair of underwear while being squished by a hobbit.

Excuse me, I just sneezed. Some dust from the mantel is still on me. I do not have a nose and do not know how I sneeze. I do, though.

Let us continue the story.

Frodo finally remembered that there were things in his bag he was crushing and in a rare nice moment got up and whispered sorry, but also took the opportunity to eat another baby kangaroo. When he was up I saw that the hobbits that had caused the distraction were Merry and Pippin.

Let me tell you about Merry and Pippin. I like them a lot. Pippin is especially nice. He has told me he actually knows how it feels to be a hunk of warm cheese and spent an entire day pretending to be one with me. He told me he appreciates me like no one else and wrapped in my warm cheesy body a tiny bit of chocolate. It was very pleasant. Merry is also a good hobbit. He has told me that his large noise has actually made him feel that there is a flesh colored hunk of warm cheese always living on his face. I felt so bad for him. I mean, being a hunk of warm cheese has its own trials and tribulations, but to be a hobbit with a flesh colored hunk of warm cheese always on your face would be much harder in my opinion. As we all know, cheese should not be flesh colored. So please, for your own health, if you have some flesh colored cheese in your refrigerator or on your counter, set it gently in the garden and let it free.

Well as usual they were stealing vegetables from the garden. I have no objection. If they are eating vegetables they are not eating me.

I guess they heard something because they took off at a very fast rate. I was enjoying the rush of wind through my hair. (Well, I admit I don't have hair. But I had accidentally rubbed against Frodo's hairbrush at one point and his hair had sort of stuck to me. So I felt the rush of wind through the strands of hair stuck in my body.)

Then the fun ended.

They tumbled off the end of a cliff and down down down.

Oh how it hurt.

Then I heard someone yell "MUSHROOMS!" and I knew it was all ok. Not all of you may know but the word mushrooms is actually a secret code word for "no danger, all clear, let us dance, invite the whale."

Obviously if you do not know the whale this does not make much sense.

Everyone was pretty happy that all was clear and they could dance and invite the whale. They began making the inaudible whale call but unfortunately Frodo interrupted by screaming "GET OFF THE ROAD!"

He rudely got everyone off.

I was face to face with a caterpillar.

I heard a Ringwraith but didn't care. The caterpillar stuck out its tongue and left.

I cry.


End file.
